Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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