I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
