girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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