I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
