But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
