I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
