About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
