tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
