i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
