Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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