By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
