I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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