I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
