What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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