i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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