My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
