Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
