Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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