why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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