just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
