WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
