The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
