she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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