He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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