so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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