I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
