you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
