Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
