y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
