Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
