Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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