Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
