This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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