If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
