oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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