Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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