***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
