I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
