i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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