I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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