He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
