I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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