I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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