would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
