Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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