i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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