Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
