dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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