ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
