Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
