im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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