Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's great music for shaving your balls
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
