a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
