he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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