I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
