We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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